| Better |
[Feb. 11th, 2009|10:59 pm] |
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Im doing good. Im being responsible, going to school, keeping my grades up, and working. Im not taking any drugs. Nothing at all. I'm not even smoking weed. I started working out on Sunday. Im going to have the perfect body for the summer... thats the plan. And no cheating either. Im just going to eat extremely healthy and work out like crazy. It's going to be great. Im working on building my self esteem higher right now. i was feeling kinda low about myself a couple of weeks ago but im feeling better now. i just need to continue to try my hardest and i'll succeed. i just need to stay away from drugs and drinking. they are the only things that ever hold me back from what im capable of. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2008|03:39 pm] |
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I feel insane today. Ive spent the last three weeks taking klonopins everyday. Today I wasn't gunna take one, but that didnt work out too well. i started having a bad day so i took one. it didnt help though. i just took two more. Thats the last of them. Im not gunna take them for a while now. I love them because they make me feel wicked happy and social everyday. The bad effects are that im really just numbing my feelings for the time being and im not really dealing with any issues, not that i have any. I mean I may have a few. The other downside of it is days have just passed by like nothing. Ive forgotten what ive been doing. All i know is that ive been really enjoying myself because ive been ignoring my negative feelings. because ive felt none because of the pills. I know they are there though. like today i just felt so negative and shitty. thats why i took three kps. No more for me from now on though, until i can find some more, which will be another month. Ugh i dont know whats going on anymore. Jackie's back in my life now. I don't even know whats going on with the situation but im going to appreciate her company. I missed her for six months straight and now that we are hanging out again it is great. She makes me happy. Craig does too, but i have to wait a long time to have him. so i dont even know what to do about it anymore. I'm pretty much ignoring the thought of it. I find myself not wanting to talk to him lately, because all this confusion, i just cant talk about it. i have to figure it out on my own. I miss him though. I just cant wallow over it anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|03:33 pm] |
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Alright so college is kickass. I like it alot. There is work to be done, but it's easy. It just can be time consuming so I gotta have a schedule for when I'm gunna do everything. Like I always do. Guess what I've been running 4 miles. I slacked off yesterday and today though, but im definitly gunna tomorrow. I thought 4 miles would be hard but its pretty easy. I gotta cut down on the smoking though cuz ive been smokin too much lately. I cant wait for craig to come. Today is October 2nd.... so 16 more days. Im pumped, its gunna be wicked fun. He's the shit. The fall is here pretty much. The leaves are starting the change color and its wicked pretty. Im gunna take a picture. yay. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2008|02:42 pm] |
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So I started college and i like it alot. Its pretty fuckin chill. Im getting sick of being fat though... i dont feel like waiting for a flat stomach. I've decided to step it up and eat two small meals a day, one coffee, and the rest water. at least ill be eating. I really need to loose weight, im just sick of not having a flat stomach like a used to and its taking too long to loose this fat i gained from pigging out and drinking all summer. I will continue to run everyday, increasing one and a half miles to two, starting next week. Hopefully ill see improvement soon. Its really pissing me off. |
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| WANTED! |
[Aug. 25th, 2008|02:32 pm] |
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So i came to the conclusion that I hate coke and im never doing it again. That was 2-3 weeks ago. Now when people mention it i cringe. When they mention it i dont want to do it, and i just tell them to shut the fuck up hahaha. I had a great weekend. I brought chrissy camping with me. We went and stayed at my parents camp site at the campground "friendly beaver" hahaha. They've had this camp site for over a year and i never bothered to go and see how it was (they moved from the old camp site). Anyway we went and had a fucking blast. There is so much to appreciate about that place. We both ended up drinking a whole bottle of southern comfort between the two of us. We met some people and one of the guys gave us beer so we were walking back to my camper and i told her to throw her can before we went inside my camper. She ended up throwing it at someones golf cart and that got us into some trouble lol. The guy pulled into my driveway and started bitching at us and we ran inside laughing. We were shit faced by the way. Then we were walking back and the "golf cart police" stopped us and asked us if we were drinking and if we threw a beer can. We lied about both and my dad walked over as this was happening and the golf cart polive told him to deal with it. So my dad believed us and let us go back hahaha. Then we were chillin in the jacuzzi with the people we met and a couple of hours later my dad came telling us we had to go back. he was really pissed too. Then he brought us to that jerk who was claiming we threw the can at, and he was a huge asshole to us and called us liars. It was a pretty adventourus night haha. The next morning we felt like shit and when we looked at the bottle we were shocked that we drank the whole thing. It was a blast though.... we decided that we want to go back next weekend but we arent gunna drink this time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2008|09:01 pm] |
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Im doing really well for myself. I've been running a mile and a half, 5 days straight a week for almost a month now. I take the weekend off because its good for your body to have a break. I weighed myself for the first time in months yesterday. I hadnt weighed myself before i started running and i thought i would weigh waaaay less then what i saw yesterday. honestly, i dont even care. its mostly muscle anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2008|03:20 pm] |
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Its been raining for a long time now. I feel like its been raining since the end of july. Shitty. I'm hoping wednesday is nice because its my day off and i want to go to the beach. My tan is starting to fade. saaaad. I just smoked some weeds and im suddenly wiiicked tired. i feel like that was pretty pointless now haha. i hate being tired. Ugggh. Yeah, so ive been doin better with drinking. I only have a couple and slowely. and i always make sure i eat before hand. Since i dont drink as much as i used to, im a light weight again. i guess it took me a while to realize that but now that i have i havent had any bad experiences. Unfortunetly im still doing coke. I dont do it everyday or every week... but quite often. I just like to do it. |
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| A good night and a not so good night |
[Aug. 2nd, 2008|07:44 pm] |
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Yesterday I drove an hour and a half away to Keene, New Hampsire to stay over Emily's. Emily and I met on myspace and a couple of weeks ago met up in Manchester and had a really good time. So I stayed over her house last night. Shes bi and we both want each other but I decided that i want to take things slow because we just met. Neither of us has made a move but have talked about it. Im definitly crushing on her but i need to get to know her better. shes sooo gorgeous that im actually intimidated by it. its totally fine though, i'll have a perfect body soon because ive been working out everyday lol. i feel alot better about myself because im working a shit ton, running and working out everyday, and reading. i havent been drinking as often as i used to because everytime i do i end up having bad experiences. last thursday jack, jesseye, and I got drunk at her house. i had only eatin a bagel the whole day but didnt realize it after i had started drinking. I took like 4 shots in a row and then later chugged the bottle of vodka. I decided that i had to leave because i had work in the morning and everyone fought with me to try to get my keys. I tried to get them back and started freaking out and screaming at everyone and crying. I was blacked out. i only remember parts of it. finally i was thrown in my backseat by someone and jesseye drove my car home and my friends followed to take her home once we got to my house. the next morning i woke up and felt fine but once i started driving to work i felt woozy. After the first hour of being at work, i threw up on the floor. my assistant mananger told me i couldnt leave until someone came to cover so i spent the next 3 hours in and out of the bathroom throwing up 20+ times. it was terrible. i was pail and weak and my eyes were bloodshot. i looked like the living dead and i hated having to be at work becuz i could barely move. whatever at least i got paid for throwing up hahaha. Then i went home, forced salad down my throat, took some tylenol, and slept. i woke up and felt 20 times better. after that i dont want to drink anymore. maybe every once and a while i will of course, but slowely, and i'll definitly eat before hand next time. |
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| Changes will happen |
[Jul. 16th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
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Talked to my brother Dan earlier today. He told me that the summer is boring for him too, and that it has always been a chance to relax and find himself. That's a good way to look at it because I feel like I am finding myself. The past month has been rough all alone. I didn't quite understand the lonliness because I've been around people my whole life. I've always had someone to cling to me. Ever since I was a little girl I had a best friend that i always spent my time with. Up until may I had been in long term relationsips since I was 14 years old. It's time to be independent. It's what I've always wanted. I will discover who i really am because no one else will be there to effect my decisions. Besides my parents of course, because their opinion matters even if i dont agree with them. i respect them because they made me. i want to make them proud. i want to show them what im capable of. i will mold myself into the person i want to be. the mold starts now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2008|03:30 pm] |
I had a dream last night about Jackie and when I woke up from it I sobbed for an hour. In my dream we were together having a good time. When I woke up from it I couldnt help but burst into tears because I rather not dream about her. that just sucks so bad. why can't i just get over it? shes over it. shes so cold towards me now. i know she still cares about me, but she doesnt love me anymore. its just shitty. i called her and left embarrasing voicemails crying. I always do that. Of course she didnt call me back. Im going to do myself a favor and delete her number from my phone. Even though I know it by heart, it wont be in my phone anymore so i wont call or text her. Ugh, Melissa get a grip. Move on. You have to.
Today I went to work and after work I did crunches and walked on the track and ran. I felt pretty good about myself, even though I couldn't run that much because I'm so out of shape. Im going to start off small though so its fine. Afterwards I went to the supermarket and bought bags of salad, croutons, and my favorite dressing. Oh and I bought cherries yay. I am determined to eat healthy every day of my life. No more junk food or pigging out. No more just sitting around. I will excercise everyday and eat healthy. I will have the perfect body. I will be irrisitable again. I cant wait. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|03:29 pm] |
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Yeah so last night i got drunk and decided to drive all the way to lowell to see jackie and stalk her while she was working. i was wicked nervous at first but i straightened out by the time i walked up to her. I basically stayed there at the store for 4 hours. we just talked and smoked cigarettes. it was really nice to see her again. it started to get kind of emotional because i had talked about people i was dating and shit and she got mad and then i felt like shit because i dont know why i even started talking about it. so right after that convo.... i left. and i didnt feel any better after. but it kinda made my night just to see her. anyway... im getting drunk by myself right now because no one is around. its pretty shitty but whatevs ill live. im starting to get fat so i need to start running next week. that will be good. i got a job at dunkin donuts in tyngsboro... 10 minutes away. the manager seemed really nice. now i just need to find a copy of my social security card so she has identification shit, but i cant find it anywhere. i think i might be screwed. i dont know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2008|04:49 pm] |
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Alllrighhht soo I have a bit of a hangover but yesterday was wicked awesome. I had a family graduation party and my parents let me drink. I was drinkin pinacolattas all day long with my mom and my cousin. And then after most of the family left the rest of us my parents, my brothers, and my cousins all got hammied. There was alcohol everrrrywhere. We all took lemon drops (shots) and drank non stop all night. Hahaha it was wicked halirious I had a really good time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2008|01:30 pm] |
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So last night I was wicked depressed. I was alone in my house because my parents left for the weekend. I just sobbed for a good hour. I lit the candle my ex girlfriend gave me and just sobbed. I kept calling her to talk. I have no one to talk to. I just needed her to give me advice. I sobbed on the phone and told her how my life sucks right now. She kept telling me it would be okay, and thats all she could say. She said nothing else. That just made me sadder. I feel so miserable lately. I keep thinking that i'll just hide in my room for the rest of the summer. Im sick of my asshole friends and the asshole kid that claims he likes me. I can't trust any of them. I thought I could at one point, but I cant. Everyday I realize it more and more. I just don't know what to do anymore. |
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| Recent events, and upcoming events |
[Jun. 13th, 2008|11:50 am] |
Alright.... so a ton of shit happened.
I graduated.... yay me! I fucking accomplished something. Awesome.
I got a job at Mrs.Fields cookies and then got a job at the Radison hotel as a waitress so when I had to work both jobs on the same day I quit Mrs.Fields. I continued to work at the Radison for three weeks, and I loved it. Everyone was wicked nice, and I thought I was doing pretty good at the whole waitressing thing. I guess not though becuz my manager called me the other day to tell me it wasn't working out, that I was making too many mistakes, and that I was fired. I asked her to specify what these mistakes were, but she had nothing to say. I was pretty sad/mad about it. I felt pretty fucking depressed after that happened... I just sulked and hid in my room all day. I felt like a complete failure. To go three months applying to every fucing job I could, to getting two at once, to loosing both. That fucking sucks. I feel like bad luck is following me around.
So on top of that shit, I have a problem with being alone. Since I don't have a job again, I'm sitting on my ass calling people up everyday trying to make plans. I kept my ex girlfriend around because she was always there for me... and if I ever felt lonely I could see her and everything was okay. She filled the empty space. Now me and her don't talk at all because I fucked her over too many times. I just have a sex problem... I want it all the fucking time... and shes the exact opposite. She could care less about sex. So we never had sex. It got to the point where I'd beg her to fuck me. I mean come on... that's just pathetic. If your in a relationship, if they are horny.. you should help them out ya know. I know I would fucking help her out if she wanted it... anytime. Well anyway, she was the nicest person I ever knew, and now that she isnt in my life Im realizing how fucking great it was before. Besides the sex part anyway. She was always there for me, she forgave me a 583984534095767052039102 times, and she was my best friend. Last summer I spent the whole summer with her, and it was honestly the best time of my life. Comparing all the summers I've ever had and the summer so far this year...the summer I spent with her was fucking perfect.
Its okay though, hopefully things will look up. Once I get a job I'll be happy again. When I have a job I feel safe. I don't usually have dull moments, I'm either working or having a good time. I don't sit around and feel lonely.
Well thats enough for now... Catch yaaa lattteerrsss. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2008|10:35 pm] |
Short term goals and long term goals.
1. Smoking Cigarettes
-I'm sick of catching a cough every month or so that disrupts everyday activites.
-I want to be able to breathe better.
-I dont want to reek of smoke anymore, I feel unclean.
-My family has a bad medical history. Smoking has caused more than one death in the family.
-If I quit smoking I will be able to breathe while I run. Running is an enjoyment of mine because it feels so gratifying after I accomplish it. A huge set back is that while I run I feel like my lungs give up on me. It's burns and I feel like Im constantly gasping for breath.
Short term goal: Cut down on smoking. Instead of smoking a pack, smoke a half a pack a day which I havent accomplished a bit lately. Then gradually get used to smoking less and less cigarettes.
Long term goal: quitting smoking as soon as I have my whole heart and soul ready to give it up for good.
2. Running
-I Need to get in shape
-I'd like to have hot sexy thighs like I once had
-I want to be healthy
-I want to loose weight
Short term goal: Go running, not everyday because my body needs time to heal.
Long term goal: Run everyday and build muscle on my legs and be proud
3. Controlling eating habits
-Lately, I eat when Im not hungry, when I was anorexic I could only eat at set times a day even if I was starving, I had to wait to eat. If I can find the control to just eat the right healthy amount of food a day, I will be able to loose weight the right way.
-If I run and eat three HEALTHY meals a day, I will be able to acquire the body I desire.
Short term goal: lose 10 pounds within a month or two
Long term goal: 20 pounds this summer and maintain the weight
I have alot more goals to add about other issues but they will be added soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2008|09:26 pm] |
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I thought I'd take some time to reflect on my life now that I am in a depressed state of mind. I am now 18 years old. I used to talk about big things changing when I turned 18 and not much changed at all. As I person, I have changed. I strive to be that better person I know I can be. I still feel weakness sometimes though, that something missing. It's always been there, but it doesn't hurt that often anymore. I do a great job filling the space when I realize how much something can mean to me in this lifetime. The small things can go a long way. I don't know what to say. I feel like this journal was the only way I could vent back then. Now I know I can talk to those who care. I don't need to feel lonely anymore. I know I'm loved. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|08:58 pm] |
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So I havent updated in a long time. I really need to change those pictures too because I dont look like I used to, Ive changed quite a bit after two years. I cant believe Im going to be 18 in 2 months....where did my childhood go? I was in such a rush to grow up i wish i could of turned back and kicked those two assholes in the balls while i had a chance. Yes, I am talking about the two assholes that ruined a chunk of my life, Ryan and Brian. I will never forget, and the constant want to erase it all will never leave my consciunce. I really do feel like an adult now, its weird never being grounded. Being grounded so much really fucked me up because it made me not want to fix my problems or do anything I was supposed to do. Now it takes a hell of alot to motivate myself, but I do it every single day and I try my hardest at everything. I actually do all my work in school, juggle my job, and my girlfriend. School work floods my time, and having a job adds alot less time to get it done. The only problem with my girlfriend is that i want time to see her, and i cant see her as much as i used to. Me and her are doing alot better now. We've talked alot of things through. I wish she gave me sex more, but hey its better then nothing. I know if I dumped her for another girl, that girl would probably give it to me all the time, but she wouldnt be as good as Jackie. She simply has skill. We are both skilled lovers. Its great, but she barely wants sex. So life is good, |
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| Cocaine in my brain |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|09:12 pm] |
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I got my liscense today yayy!! I was so fucking excited, i had already failed once before. I also smoked chronic today... i feel strange now. My stomache also had been hurting me all week and then i got diarrea today three times and it was wicked painful. whats wrong with me? I dont know. I feel better now though. |
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| I can do this |
[Jul. 22nd, 2007|07:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tech n9ne | ] |
I did pretty good on my diet this week but I ate some ice cream and candy this weekend. On monday Im gunna do alot better on this diet. Im going to start running everyday and on the weekend Im not gunna eat any nasty shit. |
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| Diet starts today |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:09 pm] |
Im starting a diet today. Next week im gunna start running. All Im going to eat is a meal at the end of the day and some fruit as well. My girlfriend thinks its a joke because i say this every week, but im really starting one today. |
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